The Closer, The Harder

WARNING: This is long, but I would love for you to read it all!

At my school there is a big emphasis in missions. There is an alumna, Sarah Atwell currently in Russia with YWAM Brisbane, a team going to Ireland from my high school, and of course me and me future endeavors to YWAM Perth. In each classroom, there are pictures of each of these groups. As I sit here writing this blog my picture is on the back of the door right in front of me. For some reason this overwhelms me... there is a reason I am on that door, because I am going to YWAM where I'll be in Australia for six months without anyone or anything that is familiar to me. As a three-weeks-shy-of-18 year-old, these big changes are terrifying.  Never have I ever been so anxious and nervous about something. The unknown is the scariest thing I have ever faced. In the last year, it seems the unknown has become quite too familiar to me. The light at the end of the tunnel is that most of the time the unknown becomes the known; the future becomes the present eventually.


Thankfully I have my amazing mother to help me prepare for all of this. She has been so good at helping me get the things I need ready. Though I am unable to do too much this soon in advance, she has been my biggest supporter. Sometimes I think I take her for-granted. Well, I know I do. My mom is so strong; I'm a little unsure how. Like I have always depended on her, she has always depended on my dad, her husband. After being married to her best friend for twenty-eight years, he is no longer able to be her crutch.


Ever since my dad died on May 7, 2011 things have been very challenging as you can presume. My mom and I argue a lot more than we ever did but that's because we are learning how to change our relationship from just mother-daughter to parents-daughter. My mom has had to take on so much responsibility that she hadn't before and I am having to learn how to relate to her in such a manner.


It's been nine months since my dad died, and I have been doing very well, but right now I am feeling a breakdown come on. Right now, in my computer class at school. It's true that time heals, but it doesn't make it go away. I see it as a rock in your pocket; it's always there, but some days you can't feel it weighing as heavily as the day before. It's hard for me though because I am not sure how to express how I am feeling. My friends have all moved on, and I don't blame them for that. I'm the one dealing with it every day, and I feel awkward when I have an emotional outburst. I know there are those who want me to know it's okay to have those, but it's hard to know when it's appropriate. The even harder thing is, grief sneaks up on you.

My dad was always so goofy

My dad was my biggest cheerleader, and when it came to missions and my future he was like a super-fan. My dad knew that I wanted to go to YWAM and he wanted me too. If he were here, he would be the one helping me with everything, and though I am thankful for my moms help, I have to be honest.... I wish it were my dad helping me. I wish it were him helping me obtain my visa, go shopping for things I'll need on the mission field, and be the one to send me off at the airport. Yes I can tell myself over and over that I know he is here with me... but sometimes it's hard to believe my own words.


There are other pivotal moments coming up that I don't want to face without my dad. My 18th birthday is in 2.5 weeks, and this will be my first birthday without him. My first birthday without his sentimental cards that he gives me only on my birthday (any other holiday called for a comical card). I am going to be an adult (kind of) and he is not here to walk me through that. Also graduation.... I believe that is going to be the hardest day I will have without him.


Well the bell just rang to go to Bible class... Please pray for strength for me in the coming months.


Grace